In a recent interview a popular celebrity comedian remarked on a commonly held belief that monogamy is unnatural. He further went on to reference famous figures in the bible that were known to have multiple wives and concubines as proof that men were not designed to be with just one women. Interestingly, there was very little buzz or backlash regarding these remarks. We had to ask ourselves,” is the concept of monogamy no longer a reasonable expectation in a marriage”?
Infidelity, Cheating, creeping, jump offs, side pieces, these are terms that have become destroyers of relationships. The issue is so rampant, we knew we had to do an in depth exploration on this topic so this is the 1st of 3 articles where we will talk about What makes infidelity reasonable to those that are unfaithful? Is it the fault of the spouse of the unfaithful? Does infidelity just happen or is it cultivated? The answer to these questions may be uncomfortable for some. However, It is our prayer many will face the truth and discover the problem and not simply deal with the symptoms.
So, what is the cause of infidelity? We challenge the reader to resist the urge to think of their particular situation as unique and try to examine the common motives behind the behavior of the person that commits adultery.
- Overly self focused – 100% of the people that commit adultery are selfish. The definition of selfish is – concerned with your own interests, needs, and wishes while ignoring those of others. It isn’t difficult to see that an unfaithful person is selfish. The question is how does someone become selfish? Selfishness is cultivated from childhood. When children are taught that all life revolves around them they learn to be self-focused. Parents may not explicitly teach their children to be selfish but the lesson is implied when schedules and commitments are constantly rearranged to accommodate the children’s activities. When a child transitions into their teenage years, many modern day parents are overly concerned with being liked by their kids. At a time when children need the most direction the modern parent is attempting to live vicariously through them. Unfortunately children don’t respect parents that are trying to be peers, they need guidance. Being overly permissive sets children up for a false reality. Everyone will not move mountains to fulfill their every desire.
- Entitlement (Childlike) The idea that you deserve to have any and everything you want, think and desire fosters the concept of entitlement. Directly linked to selfishness, entitled people often put themselves and their needs before anyone else’s because they believe they deserve to be first. In relationships, entitlement can lead to infidelity because the idea of depriving oneself by staying faithful or monogamous is not reasonable.
- Score keeper – Keeping score of things you’ve done well (in your mind) verses what your spouse has done wrong may mistakenly give you the impression that you deserve better. The problem is you are more likely to think more highly of yourself than you ought to. When your perspective is biased it is extremely difficult, if not impossible to see things objectively. Sadly, the scorekeeper creates an environment of me vs. them, which is a recipe for disaster.